Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.