Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version