My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
You Might Also Like
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*