@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

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@markhoppus

Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@CelebrityChez

There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.

@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@thequeensheart

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

@Michael1979

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

@dafloydsta

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

@GrantTanaka

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

@jazmasta

[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.