My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

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Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.


There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.


This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.


[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129


All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????


If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up


[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?


having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler


[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”


The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.