Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!