My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.