My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I see your IQ test came back negative
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
me when the borders lift
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop