Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.