Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up