My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.