My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad