Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

This will teach them to underestimate me

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.