Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Education is vital

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.