My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
You Might Also Like
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
bags with threatening auras
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
it must be school picture day
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.