my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
Chicken bread
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
FINE, I WON’T.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.