Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

so, is there a mister shapen head

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals