My zodiac sign is pistachio
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Bond. Trauma bond.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.