My zodiac sign is pistachio
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
How actors in movies eat their food
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
All excellent questions
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.