Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Siri, fight Alexa.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.