Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no