Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
why isn’t thunder called soundning