Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
![]()
You Might Also Like
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Lube but for my dry humor.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.