Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.