Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

damn he’s good

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.