Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”