#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You Might Also Like
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants