MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
me 2 months after i graduated
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏