Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

me adding lol on a serious message

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut