Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.