#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Happy weekend !
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”