Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”