*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?