MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
You Might Also Like
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Thursday Thought.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I don’t know what to do
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.