Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Taliband

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.