MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
sweet dreams💖
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”