Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

That’s classic.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

🤷‍♀️

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

October already? What’s next? November????

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion