Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
This raises questions
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
My favorite female superhero
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.