Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
best review i’ve ever seen
Monday?
No. Next question.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain