Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
grotesque if literal: baby food
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.