Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Good boy 😂😂

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.