Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Breaking news:
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME