Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.