Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?