Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

The prophecy is fulfilled

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.