Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked