Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them