“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
hey, alexa
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —