[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Oh. My. God.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it