[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
water it, i dare you
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.