Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father