Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
back to work
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’m giving up for Lent.