Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

This is amazing.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭