Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.