Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.