Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.