Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.