Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

I am a gravy boat captain

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month