Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.