N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.