N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Shower sex be like:
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.