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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray