Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Selfie

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

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Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true