Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

this is 10/10 content no notes

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Windows

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone