Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?