Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”