Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.