Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My plans: 2020:
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up