Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.