Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Never forget.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

S O O N

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.