Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

All set.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.