Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Welcome

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.