Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.