Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Bit chilly again tonight.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.