Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.