Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
![]()
You Might Also Like
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.