Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

This guy gets it.