Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Creepy-crawlies

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..