Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The Others (2001)
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-